Ok so this was supposed to be a post marking 12 months of motherhood. However, being the queen procrastinator that I am, I kind of missed the boat with that one, by 2 ruddy months.
However I still want to write about the journey I've been on since becoming a mum, because it has been epic, crazy, mad, monumental, insane. Like no other journey I've been on in my 27 years on this planet.
So here goes. Motherhood, FOURTEEN months on.
Albie is officially a toddler. I know, technically babies become toddlers at 12 months old but I was refusing to refer to him as one until he y'know, actually toddled.
Well guess what guys, he now not only toddles, but he full-on walks. He started exactly 3 weeks ago: I brought him home from nursery, sat him down on the living room floor to play and literally, out of nowhere he just stood up and took at least 4 steps. Albie's dad, my mum and I who all happened to be watching him were gobsmacked. Before that day he had never even attempted to stand up on his own, let alone walk, yet here he was acting as if it was no big deal. Show off.
He won't crawl anywhere now, he much prefers staggering around, arms upright in the air like a little drunk.
Anyway, I digress. I'll stop waffling on about Albie and his newly found skills and get back to the point..,
2 months ago, or thereabouts, Albie had his first birthday. Our little boy turned one. And whilst Albie was none the wiser about this huge milestone he had reached, it hit me HARD.
Albie reaching the end of his babyhood lead me to feel some really strong, conflicting emotions.
Albie reaching the end of his babyhood lead me to feel some really strong, conflicting emotions.
On one hand I felt super proud. Proud of myself for getting through the first year with only a few 'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE?' moments. Proud of myself for being a good mum (and also proud for finally having the confidence to believe that I'm a good mum) and also vvv. proud of my son and the amazing little person he is becoming before my very eyes.
Yet beside this overwhelming sense of pride, I also felt a deep sadness. I actually wept as I was getting things organised for Albie's party, big fat tears were streaming down my face and they didn't stop for a good hour or so.
I cried out of disbelief. After the first few weeks which seemed to drag out for an eternity, the year literally flew by and I couldn't believe that my baby was almost a whole year old. Just how?!
I cried out of regret. Honestly, I found motherhood a relentless slog in the beginning, what with the breastfeeding, sleepless nights and postpartum anxiety; so much so that I wished away a lot of the newborn days.
I regret this immensely. I'd give my right arm to spend another afternoon with a newborn Albie snoozing peacefully on my chest, with only a packet of hobnobs and the remote control within my reach. Other mums, the veteran mums were right - they DO grow up so bloody fast. And after experiencing this first hand I wish I had appreciated every little baby stage for what it was. I wish that I had really savoured being a mum for the first time.
Obviously all of that is easy to say in hindsight, now that I've got a little parenting experience under my belt. And I know that I coped as best as I could have at the time so it's pointless to beat myself up about what 'could have been' when it really couldn't and would never have been. Nevertheless it won't stop me getting emotional when I scroll through photos from last year, or when my brain registers that the toddler waggling his finger in my face, declaring no over and over again is the same child that could not hold his own head up just 12 months ago.
After 14 months of being a mum my conclusion is this: that motherhood is bizarre and full of contradictions. The most bizarre one being that your life completely changes overnight, yet as soon as you're holding that precious bundle in your arms, you can't imagine your life without them.
There ain't no hood like motherhood.
Until next time,
Albie's mum
I cried out of regret. Honestly, I found motherhood a relentless slog in the beginning, what with the breastfeeding, sleepless nights and postpartum anxiety; so much so that I wished away a lot of the newborn days.
I regret this immensely. I'd give my right arm to spend another afternoon with a newborn Albie snoozing peacefully on my chest, with only a packet of hobnobs and the remote control within my reach. Other mums, the veteran mums were right - they DO grow up so bloody fast. And after experiencing this first hand I wish I had appreciated every little baby stage for what it was. I wish that I had really savoured being a mum for the first time.
Obviously all of that is easy to say in hindsight, now that I've got a little parenting experience under my belt. And I know that I coped as best as I could have at the time so it's pointless to beat myself up about what 'could have been' when it really couldn't and would never have been. Nevertheless it won't stop me getting emotional when I scroll through photos from last year, or when my brain registers that the toddler waggling his finger in my face, declaring no over and over again is the same child that could not hold his own head up just 12 months ago.
After 14 months of being a mum my conclusion is this: that motherhood is bizarre and full of contradictions. The most bizarre one being that your life completely changes overnight, yet as soon as you're holding that precious bundle in your arms, you can't imagine your life without them.
There ain't no hood like motherhood.
Until next time,
Albie's mum
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