Motherhood, 14 Months On

Ok so this was supposed to be a post marking 12 months of motherhood. However, being the queen procrastinator that I am, I kind of missed the boat with that one, by 2 ruddy months.

However I still want to write about the journey I've been on since becoming a mum, because it has been epic, crazy, mad, monumental, insane. Like no other journey I've been on in my 27 years on this planet.

So here goes. Motherhood, FOURTEEN months on.

Albie is officially a toddler. I know, technically babies become toddlers at 12 months old but I was refusing to refer to him as one until he y'know, actually toddled.

Well guess what guys, he now not only toddles, but he full-on walks. He started exactly 3 weeks ago: I brought him home from nursery, sat him down on the living room floor to play and literally, out of nowhere he just stood up and took at least 4 steps. Albie's dad, my mum and I who all happened to be watching him were gobsmacked. Before that day he had never even attempted to stand up on his own, let alone walk, yet here he was acting as if it was no big deal. Show off.

He won't crawl anywhere now, he much prefers staggering around, arms upright in the air like a little drunk.

Anyway, I digress. I'll stop waffling on about Albie and his newly found skills and get back to the point..,

2 months ago, or thereabouts, Albie had his first birthday. Our little boy turned one. And whilst Albie was none the wiser about this huge milestone he had reached, it hit me HARD. 

Albie reaching the end of his babyhood lead me to feel some really strong, conflicting emotions. 

On one hand I felt super proud. Proud of myself for getting through the first year with only a few 'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE?' moments. Proud of myself for being a good mum (and also proud for finally having the confidence to believe that I'm a good mum) and also vvv. proud of my son and the amazing little person he is becoming before my very eyes.

Yet beside this overwhelming sense of pride, I also felt a deep sadness. I actually wept as I was getting things organised for Albie's party, big fat tears were streaming down my face and they didn't stop for a good hour or so.

I cried out of disbelief. After the first few weeks which seemed to drag out for an eternity, the year literally flew by and I couldn't believe that my baby was almost a whole year old. Just how?!

I cried out of regret. Honestly, I found motherhood a relentless slog in the beginning, what with the breastfeeding, sleepless nights and postpartum anxiety; so much so that I wished away a lot of the newborn days. 

I regret this immensely. I'd give my right arm to spend another afternoon with a newborn Albie snoozing peacefully on my chest, with only a packet of hobnobs and the remote control within my reach. Other mums, the veteran mums were right - they DO grow up so bloody fast. And after experiencing this first hand I wish I had appreciated every little baby stage for what it was. I wish that I had really savoured being a mum for the first time. 

Obviously all of that is easy to say in hindsight, now that I've got a little parenting experience under my belt. And I know that I coped as best as I could have at the time so it's pointless to beat myself up about what 'could have been' when it really couldn't and would never have been. Nevertheless it won't stop me getting emotional when I scroll through photos from last year, or when my brain registers that the toddler waggling his finger in my face, declaring no over and over again is the same child that could not hold his own head up just 12 months ago.

After 14 months of being a mum my conclusion is this: that motherhood is bizarre and full of contradictions. The most bizarre one being that your life completely changes overnight, yet as soon as you're holding that precious bundle in your arms, you can't imagine your life without them.

There ain't no hood like motherhood.

Until next time,

Albie's mum

Embracing The Mum Guilt

Argh, mum guilt. The actual bane of my parenthood life thus far. Not a day goes by where the feeling of ‘I could do better’ or ‘I’m not a good enough mum’ doesn’t enter my brain – it’s mentally exhausting. 

I left Albie in his cot for a whole FIFTEEN minutes after he awoke from his afternoon nap so I could finish emptying the dishwasher and pop to the loo, GUILTY. For dinner Albie had fish fingers, wedges and peas instead of organic, flaxseed-infused, quinoa bites, (do these even exist?) GUILTY.

I feel a pang of guilt every time I drop Albie off at nursery so that I can go to work – something that I have to do in order to keep a roof over our heads and aforementioned fish fingers on our plates.

And truth be told, even though I have to work, I want to work too, for my own sanity and self-preservation. I like being able to drink coffee whilst it's still hot and focus on something else that isn't a needy toddler. This too makes me feel guilty. I should long to be a SAHM, no? 

It just seems that as a parent, you're always going to feel that you could be doing something, hell, everything differently and as a result you are consumed by guilt. There's no escaping it.

But should we be trying to escape it?

I don't think we should. Not completely.

Instead, we should learn to embrace the guilt and what it means. Feeling guilty about the way you are parenting your offspring means that you care. Constantly questioning yourself and wondering what you could do differently means that you love your kid/s and want what's best for them. Ultimately, by feeling guilty and wanting to improve you are striving to be the best, most badass parent and role model that you can be.

However, whilst we embark on this mission for superiority, we need to cut ourselves some slack and remember that our wellbeing matters too. We shouldn't have to sacrifice our sanity to try and achieve the impossible that is perfect parenting. Our happiness is reflected in our children and ultimately, a happy mum means a happy home and that is the environment that children thrive in. 

And if that means that after a stressful day at work you serve up a plate of freezer food for dinner so you can have more time to yourself that evening then so be it. It doesn't mean you care any less about your children. In fact, they'll probably see the beige feast served upon them as a massive treat, win-win.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that if your child is loved, safe and secure then you are doing a grand job. Remember that. Sometimes good enough is just that, good enough. Every parent will occasionally cut corners, yes even those 'perfect' earth mummys on Instagram.

Until next time,

Albie's Mum

Follow my blog with Bloglovin